RHONJ Recap: Shore Slores
I am in such a cunty/ shit-talking mood, which is quietly frankly, the only mood to be in when writing a Housewives recap. Am I the only one who doesn't understand why this Margaret vs Jennifer feud is such a big deal? I've defended Marge all season long because I think she's a relatable, messy queen, however, for the first time ever I actually think I'm #TeamJen.
Marge is mad that Jennifer interrupted her "moment" with Teresa, and at the end of the day who cares? You’re not star crossed lovers, you're reality TV costars and if you wanna have a moment, go to lunch. If feels like both Jennifer and Margaret are vying to get into the Queen Bee's good books which makes me want to throw up all over on myself. Clearly, the table flipper and the pigtail wearing Housewife aren't that close because if they were, Marge wouldn't be reaching for a 30 second moment Teresa over a kitchen island surrounded by the entire cast. I don't even want to call this thing between Jen and Marge a fight, it was just a passive exchange between two women that should've been forgotten about 30 seconds after it happened.
Yes, Marge owns her own business and went through a devastating lawsuit that I have major respect for, however, being a single mother is a full-time job. Does Jennifer have nannies? Yes. But have you seen how her eighty-five thousand children run around her Paramus compound like Adderall addicted rhinos running through a stampede? I don't care how much help you have, dealing with that many other people is more stressful than anything Mark Zuckerberg has done in the last decade and anyone who doesn't agree should spend 36 hours with a group of children and get back to me.
Aside from Melissa's "boutique" and Jackie's writing, both of those women are also full-time mothers, so the fact that they sided with Margaret is purely just because they hate Jennifer. The term "full-time mother" is also a loose term in this group considering every single cast member on this show is also a reality star who has to juggle filming, going through hours of hair and makeup and hawking Flat Tummy Tea on Instagram. However, the one nail Marge hit right on the head was Jennifer marrying rich, because aside from Chanel, there's nothing Mrs. Aydin loves more in life than being her husband's trophy wife and plastic surgeon creation. At this point, Bill is literally making his "perfect woman" and if you look past the Dr. Frankstein factor of it all, it's actually pretty romantic. If you can't detect the sarcasm than you must have the same IQ as Teresa Giudice.
Their blow-up at dinner definitely wasn't big enough for Marge to storm out of the restaurant over, and she should've just stayed and enjoyed her seafood tower. Let's have a moment of silence for all the Bravo paid food these Housewives have wasted over the years due to either their body image issues or incessant need to fight. Am I the only person who is loving Jennifer Aydin this season? The woman is funny, dramatic, bitchy, obsessed with money and has an insatiable love for tequila, what's not to love? Is she wrong 80% of the time? Of course. Is she thoroughly entertaining? Abso-fucking-lutely. Her Fred Flintsone comment may have been the same joke her kids would make on the playground, however, I'm not ashamed to say that I laughed. Marge's outfit SCREAMED femme Fred Flintstone chic.
In between Jennifer's Flintstone shade and her passive-aggressive "Sorry Not Sorry" t-shirt, Jen proved that she's working for her paycheck this episode by screaming "YOU CAN SUCK A BOTTLE BUT YOU CAN'T SUCK A DICK" at Jackie after she chugged a beer. My none existent wig flew the fuck off my head and landed in Antarctica. Yes, it wasn't the right thing to say at a table in front of everyone's husbands but it was iconic and I want a t-shirt made with that sentence on it, Jennifer, get to work. That moment had major "CAMILLE YOU'RE A STUPID COMMENT" energy because it was such an outlandish, aggressive and crazy comment but no one replied. Not a laugh, not a dramatic gasp. Nothing.
You can tell that since the moment Jackie admitted to never putting her mouth on her husband's penis, Jennifer has been trying to wrap her head around it, so to speak, so Jackie sucking on a bottle finally gave Jen the opportunity to question why she is so aversed to the idea of sucking her husband's dick. Look, Jennifer's thought process isn't the most logical, she throws plates at people to get their attention and thinks she should star on SNL with her "impressions", but I'm just trying to rationalize whatever the fuck goes on in her Chanel obsessed brain without blaming the most logical motive: reality TV.
Speaking of dick sucking, Joe Gorga and Frank's kiss at the Jersey Shore was hotter than an open flame. We need a Gorga/ Frank Snr sex tape and we need it yesterday because those two men pounding each other's cannolis is what wet dreams are made of, as Lizzie McGuire would say. For obvious height and weight reasons, I'd assume Frank Catania would be the top in this situation, but Lil Joey Gorga could give us a surprise and come out on top. Pun definitely intended. I would pay good money for any sex tapes leaked by these two and that says a lot because paying for porn is like paying for wifi when you have your neighbors password.
And before any of you want to go off in the comments saying I'm reverse sex-shaming or something, I'm also rooting for a Brandi Glanville/ Denise Richards skin flick to leak into the public domain. I'm an equal opportunist for any and all same-sex Bravolebrity sex tapes, so save your annoying comments and use them passive-aggressively towards your in-laws. Yes, this is a RHONJ recap, but you also just got the first step in Repressed Rage 101. You're welcome.
Apart from Marge and Jen's dumb fight, the entire cast including the husbands, went out for a day of activities to showcase all that the Jersey Shore has to offer. Are they doing the tourism promotion for the entire state now? Like usual, the ladies split into two groups, the Traditionals: Teresa, Dolores, and Jennifer, and the Progressives: Melissa, Margaret, and Jackie. I enjoy the cast as it is, but they seriously need a Manzo sized shakeup next season to break up this divide, because if there is one more massive blowup and these women run into the same huddles, I'm going to run into ongoing traffic.
The Traditionals went parasailing for the day, while the Progressives played a round of mini-golf and the thought of doing either activity gives me hives because I hate heights and I hate boredom. If you watched the episode you know exactly how these activities went down and if you didn't, just imagine it, because I don't need to waste anyone's time describing these boring scenes. While the wives were flying behind a boat and knocking balls into holes, the men were going fishing, which is just a fancy way to say "day drinking on a boat." Like usual, Joe Gorga piled the men with alcohol because he knows how to make good television, and at the end of the day, Joe forcing shots down everyone’s throats is like your asshole burning after Mexican food, it’s inevitable
A bottle of tequila later, and Jennifer's husband Bill was more fucked up than a pornstar's pussy after an 11-hour shoot, and he officially transformed from a serious, professional Persian doctor, to Tony the Turk, a Guido-tequila inspired alter ego. Who doesn't love a split personality? And if anything, seeing Bill with a few buttons down, messy hair, a severe case of alcohol poisoning and the inability to walk made him way more attractive. You're welcome, Billy. By the end of the fishing trip, the men carried an intoxicated Bill back into their Airbnb, which was the most poetic thing I've ever seen. Carrying a grown man on your shoulder is true friendship, even though Frank could've done it all by himself.
The final act of this episode was Melissa's meeting with Danielle. On behalf of the ladies, Melissa was more or less nominated as tribute to officially exile the Prostitution Whore from the group once and for all. At this point, Bev is fighting to stay on the show like a UFC champion in a cage fight, because when it's five against one and your only ally isn't doing anything to involve you in the group, the odds aren't too good. Yes, she may be a terrible, scary human being but we need Danielle's crazy on this show for at least three episodes a season. I don’t know how I’m suddenly #TeamBev but Margaret isn’t innocent either. The hair pull was dramatic, but Marge has thrown several liquids on Danielle in the last few years. And isn't the point of this show to fight with each other?
While fighting for her job and Flat Tummy Tea sponsorships, Beverly revealed Teresa (and the owner of the boutique) told her to pull Margaret's hair, which inspired her to actually do it and was supported by never before seen footage. Obviously, everyone makes their own decisions, blah blah blah, but fuck Teresa for doing that to Margaret and just hoping it wouldn't come out. If someone had done that to Teresa, it would be a three-season storyline and she'd never get over it, but I'm sure she'll just say "I WAS KIDDING!" Was Bravo just never going to show us the footage unless Danielle brought this up, because that is problematic at best?
Obviously, I'm grateful Danielle finally exposed Teresa because it is the definition of Good Tea, however, did she really think throwing her only ally and meal ticket under the bus, was a good idea? On the other hand, Teresa wasn't helping integrate Danielle back into the group at all, so this really was Bev's last leg to stand on and she may as well go out with a mother fucking bang. We know now this is the reason Teresa ended her friendship with Beverly, however, it was on-camera... did the table flipper just never expect this to see the light of day? And what other "Never Beofre Seen Teresa" moments does Bravo have hidden in their fault to give her this delusional opinion? So many questions and only one episode (and a three-part reunion) left to answer them.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesdays at 8/7c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and juicy tea on the craziest ladies in Jersey.