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Below Deck Med Recap: Seafood Sham

PHOTO: Bravo

This wasn't the most exciting episode of television I've ever watched, but it still had enough for me to talk shit about. As everyone knows, with the exception of Aesha, everyone on this cast sucks and I can't wait for the reign of annoyance to finally be over.

Tom, or as I like to call him, the budget Gordon Ramsay, spent this episode just as he's spent most of the others, being a massive cunt. After ignoring Sandy, Aesha, and anyone else who stepped foot in the galley he finally gave the New Zealand Queen an apology for treating her like a piece of shit the day before. It would've been okay if he was actually sorry, but instead, he just used the opportunity to justify his actions and further prove that he is an asshole.

Of course, victim Malia made her boyfriend's aggressive tirades her problem as she's tried to juggle doing her job and keeping him happy. Why didn't she think of this before she brought him on the boat? Obviously Malia and Sandy were in cahoots to fire Kiko and bring on Tom, so she was probably too busy scheming to think about the ramifications of her douchebag boyfriend working with her on the boat. Boat chefs are always fucking crazy and have a temper that is shorter than their penises. I get it, it's literally the hardest job in the world and would send me into a psychotic meltdown, however, you don't have to ruin everyone else's time on the boat.

Instead of enabling and placating his behavior, why doesn't Malia pull her boyfriend in line and tell him to stop being such a grumpy little gerbil? Tom's reign of terror is entirely Malia's fault and if she wasn't so far up Sandy's rectum, we wouldn't be in this mess and we could still be enjoying Kiko's exotic cooking. Is anyone else still confused about how Tom was passing through Spain to see his sick uncle, but then had the ability to stay there for two weeks to work on a boat? If that doesn't scream set up then I don't know what does. And is it really a coincidence that he just happened to land in Spain the day Kiko got fired? Captain Sandy, Bravo, and the producers of this show need to give us as viewers more credit because we're not that fucking stupid.

Nothing happened in this episode. At all. The gross primary made all the crew members wear speedos while they served dinner, which seems like a #MeToo story waiting to happen. Along with being a drunken asshole for three days, the primary tipped the crew with vouchers to have dinner at his house in Malibu before he turned around and gave them their actual tip. You could tell the editors were running low on content for this episode because they stretched out this scene to make it look like he only gave them the dinner vouchers. Enough of this blue ball editing Bravo! First of all, this guy is obviously a dirty little fame whore if he paid to have a vacation on TV and then premeditated these lame stunt, and second, who the fuck is going to "redeem" a coupon to have dinner at his house?

If I had a list of things to do in Malibu, having dinner at a drunk old guy's house who I served on a boat for a week is not one of them. Unless we were setting up some kind of sugar daddy arrangement and in that case, I'd fucking move there. Malia's mother came on the boat to check it out, and when Bravo dedicates a good chunk of the episode to a parent touring the boat, you know they are lacking on content. Obviously, Pete had plenty of storylines we didn't get to see after they edited him out of the show, which is why they're focusing on shit like this. Malia's mother seemed like a cute little lady, but I'd rather watch Pete acting like an asshole so I can at least have an opinion on something. Even though Pete posted a racist meme, I still want to see him on the show because surely he didn't just sit back and do nothing while they were filming.

Pete was never going to come back next season anyway, so I don't see the logic in editing him out when we still have to watch an entire season of The Real Housewives of Orange County with Kelly Dodd who is still posting insensitive content on her social media. If Bravo wants to "take a stand" against racism, they can't just edit out a random crew member on Below Deck and think that's enough, they have to defund and fire people like Jax Taylor and Kelly who have spent their entire Bravo careers making racist, insensitive and arrogant comments on and off-air.

While the crew went out for dinner, Jess and Rob stayed back to "sleep" in the guest cabin so that they could finally fuck off-camera. Everybody knows the guest cabins don't have cameras, so the only reason to sleep in there, aside from taking a break from their tiny bunk beds, is to pound all night long without America being able to watch what positions they did. Before the producers gave us a sound bite of Jess having an orgasm while Rob was inside her, the two basically already had sex the night before on the bow of the boat while the guests ate dinner. What is this? Titanic? Obviously, I think Malia is a cunt, but I totally agree with her for telling the couple of five minutes off for their on-deck canoodling. It's gross, it's tacky, it's unprofessional and nobody wants to see it. Actually, that primary probably did.

Rob creeps me the fuck out and the fact that he was in a tantric sex documentary makes me butthole clench in fear. Rob has massive school shooter vibes and his deep, monotone, zombie voice is bone-chilling. Jess is obviously only with him for his jawline because seeing these two morons have a conversation is like watching bugs have sex, it's uncomfortable, confusing, and just boring. Did they really need to show us, Jess, moaning in the guest cabin while Rob was inside her? I felt extremely violated, a little aroused but above all else, certain that she was faking it.

Jess also needs to stop hating Aesha for having a fun personality. My New Zealand Queen obviously doesn't want to fuck her zombie boyfriend and is only having cheeky chats with him because that's what she does with everyone. Jess needs to tone down her insecurity because it's not cute and if she is this crazy about her boyfriend of five minutes talking to other girls this soon into their relationship, then they're never going to last, but I could've told you that from the first time they said I love you. How can you love someone that you've known for three weeks on a boat? Jess is just so boring, lifeless, and vapid and the only interesting thing about her is the fact that she hadn't had sex in two years before Rob pulled up inside of her.

The episode ended with the Budget Gordon Ramsay having a meltdown over the seafood arriving in unrefrigerated containers and being a temperature that is acceptable to serve to guests. Tom sucks but he's finally right about something, however, like usual his aggressive, manic behavior took away from him being in the right. The provisioner delivered more seafood, free of charge to Tom, however, he continued to rage about the mess in the kitchen. If you're that stressed go have a fucking cigarette and calm down, ask the chief stew to help out with putting the food away and stop yelling at everyone in your path. I don't understand why Tom has such a short fuse, but I also don't understand why he's dating Malia and why he aspires to cook food on a boat. Does he not know what he signed up for?

Everyone understands that the provisioner fucked up, it's clear, so if he just navigated everything the right way and wasn't such an asshole then the crisis would've been averted and trays wouldn't be flying around the kitchen. He also needs to stop calling Malia every time he has the slightest inconvenience it's not her job to coddle him, it's her job to put the pool floaties out into the water and live in Sandy's rectum. Both Malia and Tom need to stay in their own lanes and do their jobs because her trying to pacify him is only making him into a bigger fuckwit.

Below Deck Med airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!