Below Deck Med Finale Recap: Elevator Fart
This season is finally over and I'm more relieved than a girl who gets her period after a false alarm. No more being subjected to Rob's monotone zombie voice, no more of Tom's melodramatic tantrums in the galley, and no more storylines revolving around Jess's severe insecurity issues. Although we still have to sit through a two-part reunion, at least Hannah will be around to save us from total boredom. The best part of Below Deck is that if you didn't like a crew member, they only have a 1% chance of returning anyway.
The only storyline of this entire episode was Rob and Jess's problematic clusterfuck of a relationship. Obviously, in the past few weeks, Jess has been more annoying than a bed bugs outbreak, however, I think I'm finally on her side? I’ve never liked Rob and his emotionless demeanor, that’s a given, however, for the past few episodes, Jess' crazy antics really distracted me from what an asshole this guy really is. First, he tells Jess he loves her, and then he tries to constantly break up and gaslight her while blaming it on his trust issues. Rob is so dark and mysterious and not in the fun Dylan McKay way.
Even Stevie Wonder could've seen that this relationship was never going to work out from the jump and I find it so strange that these two people were so emotional over a relationship that had only been going on for five minutes. That's when you know their tears are all about themselves and their own issues rather than the other person. At the end of the final charter, Sandy decided to give everyone an award based on what type of wind they are, yes that really happened, and the most shocking part was her calling Malia funny. Malia and her narc energy are a lot of things but funny is not one of them. Clearly Sandy's really trying to get into the bosun's panties.
Following the weird little wind ceremony, Jess had a tearful conversation with Sandy where she thanked her for saying such kind things about her because her whole life she's only ever heard the opposite. Clearly, everything her mother and past boyfriends have said to her knocked her self-esteem and made her into the insecure person she is today. It makes sense why she's a little crazy, needs validation all the time, and is always scared Rob will leave her, I just wish I knew this information weeks ago. Eh, maybe I did but didn't listen or care?
Rob was looking for ways to break up with Jess so he could run from his commitment issues and continue to be the black hole of a human being we've all witnessed him be. Clearly this bitch needs serious therapy if she's so invested in pursuing a relationship with a guy who she's known for six weeks on a boat. After he continued to be distant, Jess joked around saying they should both be "single" during their last night in Spain and although she didn't actually mean it, it was a fucking stupid thing to say especially to a guy who has the personality of a hangnail.
Both of them spent the car ride to dinner venting to their crew members about their dumpster fire of a relationship and saying they just wanted to have a fun night without drama. If they know that this relationship always causes drama, then why the fuck are they still together? Ugh, this situation is making my prostate hurt. Of course, as soon as the two got some alcohol into them the drama flowed and Rob spent the night flirting with the horny charter guest who wanted to fuck him the entire time she was aboard The Wellington. Is this guy actually that fucking stupid or was he just looking for a reaction because I really can't figure it out, he's like a demonic Rubix's cube that nobody wants to solve.
As Rob paraded his flirtation with the charter guest in front of Jess, his girlfriend flicked a cigarette at him, which was my peak of the episode, I just wish she would've had better aim and burnt a hole in his jeans. After this drama, the two then loaded into separate cars and cried to everyone about their miserable relationship. If I was anyone else on that boat and I had to spend my last night talking about this inconsequential bullshit I'd tie myself to the anchor and swim with the fishes. Although, I do love getting involved in other people's business and dissecting their relationships when drunk so maybe that would've been my ideal way to end the season?
After telling Jess that it is a gift to be damaged by him, Rob decided to abandon his plans to do the boat crossing and decided to go to Bali with his girlfriend of five minutes. I don't even have any words for this bullshit and it makes my head hurt even trying to share my opinion on it. I'm so fucking happy this season is over and that I don't have to watch this toxic relationship any longer. The only thing I thought of when Rob decided to go to Bali was the total disrespect towards David the first mate, who he already committed to doing the crossing with. Rob has worse commitment issues than Leonardo DiCaprio and David the first mate is a total snack, I'm pissed at Bravo for keeping him in the shadows for this long, we need some eye candy.
Apart from Rob and Jess fighting, Sandy handing out wind inspired awards, and Malia farting in an elevator, nothing else really happened. Maybe Sandy should've based Malia's wind level on the nasty air poop she dropped in a confined space. Ripping one in an elevator really should be considered a human health violation, but let's be real, this season was pretty much just a fart in an elevator.
Below Deck Med airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!